By Nebraska’s finest Sports reporter Noah Idiah
After nearly three hours of totally intrepid journalism, I have discovered a secret that threatens to change the face of England soccer as we barely know it. The FA (I think it stands for Farce Administrators) remain tight-lipped after I exposed the shocking existence of three regional soccer conferences below the world renowned Lunn Polly Anglo-American Premier Elite Division!
Known as the Fussball League, I can reveal that 72 minor franchises from hamlets across Engerland and Whales compete each weekend, unbeknown to most soccer fans and the entirety of the British media.
Sponsored by Lithuanian soda makers Panda Pops, the league consists of the Chumpionship, Leak 1, and the old Derision 4.
Far from the glamour of Wade Roonie, Crissy Run-ow-‘doh and Diddles Drogback these guys are pretty wacky!
Some of their names are hella sweet… you’ve got Plywood Argyle, The Stoke Fires, The Layten Orient Express, and meat processors Old Ham Athletic who play home ties at Boundary Pork!
At the top of the Chumpionship leaders the Brum Blue Noses are under pressure from Mackem Town (their head coach is ex-Glazer Franchiser Ray Kane) and Darbie Country. However massive past dwelling Mid-Wests franchises like Albino Boggies (who play in Tesco shopping bags!?) and The Wolf-Town Squanderers are in contention for the play-ons all aiming for re-motion to the Elite League!
Some of these guys have even played in the Mega League before! Even getting three years of parachutes and sky-diving lessons when they got regulated!
At the bottom of the Chumps are the real chumps, they play for the invisible Chupa Chup’s Survival Trophy. I hear there’s a lot of lolly in it! (Geddit?!) Going strong at the moment are Hell City along with the Essex Blue Shrimps. This week massive cable-making firm Leads United went down, much to the disappointment of chairman Norman Bates and head coach Glennis Wise. It’s also too late for Looting Town, they were delegated weeks ago after breaking up with feminist head coach Mike Newl.
I did the math and they will so be replaced by Scunny Ironworks, but Snoop Dogg fan club Brizzle Sizzle and former European flower-arranging Champions Dot’s Florist are close to getting up from Leek 1.
At the wrong end of the Leek the Greg Dyke franchise Bentford are already down, they appointed England captain Telly Butcher as new director of soccer with assistants Ted Baker and German Boris Candlestickmaker. It looks as if the Derbyshire Crooked-Spires, AFC Rovrum and The Badford Bantam-Weights could join them in Derision 4.
Derision 4 seems cool to me though. They have a lot in common with real football in the States, even having an American team, The Boston Pilgrims, but they may go bankrupt because of their understandable ‘travel expenses’.
Meanwhile the KM Dongs are showing England Soccer the way forward! They moved hundreds of miles from their fans to play at a cool Ice Hockey Stadium, but everyone stuck by them and they are loved and respected by all the other teams and nobody thinks they are a soulless reflection of a capitalistic ruthless modern soccer at all! Sweet.
Recently Heartlepool Monkey-Hangers and Polish franchise Warsaw Saddle-backs achieved re-motion. Expect Swinton Frown or Linkin Park City to join them, and maybe even the Dongs!
Other play-on contenders include The Shrew-Town Waterloggers, basket makers Wicker Wanderers and Snoop fan club subsidiary Brizzle Rizzle.
Poor old Torbay Gullets! They are out of the league for good but it was only a matter of time. They avoided the drop before as other teams in the Vauxhall Confederation Cup had bad grounds, something about faulty towers, whatever that means!?
Other franchises facing the drip are our guys from Boston and a team named after chairman Hackie-Sack Stan, but no one has a clue who they are. Exactly!
What a majorly weird set of franchises and players! I can’t barely believe no-one had discovered them before! I guess the lure of the Mega Super-Size Me Foreign Consortium Division is just so hella great that no one really gives a stuff. You heard it here first…
Peace out sportsfans…
4 comments:
Speak English pal. This is The Beautiful Game after all. Tsk, tsk.
emmm....found this link at the Guardian.....sorry, I don't find any of this funny or compelling.
Loosers!!!
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