By Nebraska’s finest Sports reporter Noah Idiah
After nearly three hours of totally intrepid journalism, I have discovered a secret that threatens to change the face of England soccer as we barely know it. The FA (I think it stands for Farce Administrators) remain tight-lipped after I exposed the shocking existence of three regional soccer conferences below the world renowned Lunn Polly Anglo-American Premier Elite Division!
Known as the Fussball League, I can reveal that 72 minor franchises from hamlets across Engerland and Whales compete each weekend, unbeknown to most soccer fans and the entirety of the British media.
Sponsored by Lithuanian soda makers Panda Pops, the league consists of the Chumpionship, Leak 1, and the old Derision 4.
Far from the glamour of Wade Roonie, Crissy Run-ow-‘doh and Diddles Drogback these guys are pretty wacky!
Some of their names are hella sweet… you’ve got Plywood Argyle, The Stoke Fires, The Layten Orient Express, and meat processors Old Ham Athletic who play home ties at Boundary Pork!
At the top of the Chumpionship leaders the Brum Blue Noses are under pressure from Mackem Town (their head coach is ex-Glazer Franchiser Ray Kane) and Darbie Country. However massive past dwelling Mid-Wests franchises like Albino Boggies (who play in Tesco shopping bags!?) and The Wolf-Town Squanderers are in contention for the play-ons all aiming for re-motion to the Elite League!
Some of these guys have even played in the Mega League before! Even getting three years of parachutes and sky-diving lessons when they got regulated!
At the bottom of the Chumps are the real chumps, they play for the invisible Chupa Chup’s Survival Trophy. I hear there’s a lot of lolly in it! (Geddit?!) Going strong at the moment are Hell City along with the Essex Blue Shrimps. This week massive cable-making firm Leads United went down, much to the disappointment of chairman Norman Bates and head coach Glennis Wise. It’s also too late for Looting Town, they were delegated weeks ago after breaking up with feminist head coach Mike Newl.
I did the math and they will so be replaced by Scunny Ironworks, but Snoop Dogg fan club Brizzle Sizzle and former European flower-arranging Champions Dot’s Florist are close to getting up from Leek 1.
At the wrong end of the Leek the Greg Dyke franchise Bentford are already down, they appointed England captain Telly Butcher as new director of soccer with assistants Ted Baker and German Boris Candlestickmaker. It looks as if the Derbyshire Crooked-Spires, AFC Rovrum and The Badford Bantam-Weights could join them in Derision 4.
Derision 4 seems cool to me though. They have a lot in common with real football in the States, even having an American team, The Boston Pilgrims, but they may go bankrupt because of their understandable ‘travel expenses’.
Meanwhile the KM Dongs are showing England Soccer the way forward! They moved hundreds of miles from their fans to play at a cool Ice Hockey Stadium, but everyone stuck by them and they are loved and respected by all the other teams and nobody thinks they are a soulless reflection of a capitalistic ruthless modern soccer at all! Sweet.
Recently Heartlepool Monkey-Hangers and Polish franchise Warsaw Saddle-backs achieved re-motion. Expect Swinton Frown or Linkin Park City to join them, and maybe even the Dongs!
Other play-on contenders include The Shrew-Town Waterloggers, basket makers Wicker Wanderers and Snoop fan club subsidiary Brizzle Rizzle.
Poor old Torbay Gullets! They are out of the league for good but it was only a matter of time. They avoided the drop before as other teams in the Vauxhall Confederation Cup had bad grounds, something about faulty towers, whatever that means!?
Other franchises facing the drip are our guys from Boston and a team named after chairman Hackie-Sack Stan, but no one has a clue who they are. Exactly!
What a majorly weird set of franchises and players! I can’t barely believe no-one had discovered them before! I guess the lure of the Mega Super-Size Me Foreign Consortium Division is just so hella great that no one really gives a stuff. You heard it here first…
Peace out sportsfans…
Wednesday 2 May 2007
Wednesday 11 April 2007
Inter-State Champions League first Play-Off Franchises now known
What a match-up we saw on Tuesday night as the Manchester Reds swept Romans 7 points to 1!
Some great offense in the first period saw Michael Glassman’s franchise punt field goals from distance to take a 4 points to nil advantage into the break, which meant that they were 9 – 4 ahead on aggregated scores. Eminem lookalike Allen Smith scored three punts and the other was scored by England’s most popular player, Christopher Ronaldoo. Roma had come all the way from Spain (I think) but even Potti couldn’t get them going. By the end, Coach McSporran of Team England was smiling for a change, thinking about all those Manchester players he can select for his Summer Training Camp and how none of them looked like they would say that they were on the disabled list like they all did last time.
The Chelsea Crew won the other match-up and will most likely meet Germany’s RSVP Eindhaven in the Play-Off before the CL Bowl itself in June.
Bye Y'all.
MouthoftheMississippi
Some great offense in the first period saw Michael Glassman’s franchise punt field goals from distance to take a 4 points to nil advantage into the break, which meant that they were 9 – 4 ahead on aggregated scores. Eminem lookalike Allen Smith scored three punts and the other was scored by England’s most popular player, Christopher Ronaldoo. Roma had come all the way from Spain (I think) but even Potti couldn’t get them going. By the end, Coach McSporran of Team England was smiling for a change, thinking about all those Manchester players he can select for his Summer Training Camp and how none of them looked like they would say that they were on the disabled list like they all did last time.
The Chelsea Crew won the other match-up and will most likely meet Germany’s RSVP Eindhaven in the Play-Off before the CL Bowl itself in June.
Bye Y'all.
MouthoftheMississippi
Monday 9 April 2007
Coca Cola Premiership Easter Update
Howdy Y’all
Just back from Church so I thought I’d give you the low-down on the Saturday match-ups. BTW Edinboro was real cool - cold actually - and full of hooch stores. Pa said that all the locals would be wearing kilts, but turned out it was just us.
The railroad - jeez it must be good with all those guys working on it in vacation time - got us back to London England just in time to see that Geri Lineker introducing the Match-up of the Day highlights package on PBS. I couldn’t see those big ears that bloggers have complained about - in fact Geri is one hot chick, but her husband used to be a linebacker for Wales, so no go.
Anyway Michael Glassman’s Tampa Bay Reds lost two points to one against Plymouth with a great fumble by Irish full back O’Ferdinand scoring the second point for Plymouth. Tampa Reds are really going to find to it tough defending their title with Josie Moreho’s (crazy name) Chelsea Crew catching up quick.
The other big London franchise in the CCP, Assenal, (crazy name too) went down by one point to nil despite having home field advantage at the Saudi Stadium. The franchise that beat the Ass (as they are affectionately called) are looking good to stay out of the relegation play-offs. They’re called West Hamburger United (must be sponsored by McDonalds or something) and they are owned by Egghead Igloosson who is from the Antarctic!
Britney and Ma are at the Oxford Street Mall, so I’m going to watch some of the international baseball before seeing Tiger win as usual tonight.
Bye y’all.
MouthoftheMississippi
Just back from Church so I thought I’d give you the low-down on the Saturday match-ups. BTW Edinboro was real cool - cold actually - and full of hooch stores. Pa said that all the locals would be wearing kilts, but turned out it was just us.
The railroad - jeez it must be good with all those guys working on it in vacation time - got us back to London England just in time to see that Geri Lineker introducing the Match-up of the Day highlights package on PBS. I couldn’t see those big ears that bloggers have complained about - in fact Geri is one hot chick, but her husband used to be a linebacker for Wales, so no go.
Anyway Michael Glassman’s Tampa Bay Reds lost two points to one against Plymouth with a great fumble by Irish full back O’Ferdinand scoring the second point for Plymouth. Tampa Reds are really going to find to it tough defending their title with Josie Moreho’s (crazy name) Chelsea Crew catching up quick.
The other big London franchise in the CCP, Assenal, (crazy name too) went down by one point to nil despite having home field advantage at the Saudi Stadium. The franchise that beat the Ass (as they are affectionately called) are looking good to stay out of the relegation play-offs. They’re called West Hamburger United (must be sponsored by McDonalds or something) and they are owned by Egghead Igloosson who is from the Antarctic!
Britney and Ma are at the Oxford Street Mall, so I’m going to watch some of the international baseball before seeing Tiger win as usual tonight.
Bye y’all.
MouthoftheMississippi
Americans star in Coca Cola Premiership
Howdy Y’all
The Easter Soccer fixtures have already started with Fox Sports showing the Liverpool Blues vs Fulham, a match-up that included 3 US players (Fulham’s defenseman Carlo Bocablanco and centre-offense Bobby McBride and Everton’s goalminder Frankie Howard).
Pretty soon, Fulham (this is the franchise owned by Princess Di’s father Al Fired who also owns the London branch of Bloomingdales) were a point up thru our very own Bocablanco, but Liverpool Blues fought right back with three quick points from Lee Crassly (he’s the referee’s twin brother, which seems a bit strange), Alan Stabbs and new young star offenseman Frankie Vaughan. How the famous Anfield Kop (so called because there’s always police officers in the crowd to stop them standing up and singing Beatles songs) saluted that point.
Pa insisted that we channel surf to PBS who were showing Tiger Woods in the US Masters (from our home State of Texas!), but I can tell you that Liverpool Blues notched another field goal to run out winners by 4 points to 1.
Tomorrow we’re off on the railroad to visit Edinboro, the capital city of Ireland where I am told every soccer fan supports the Texas Rangers or the Boston Celtics depending on whether they are Mormons or the other one.
I still don’t know whether to go to College here or back in the States. The admissions tutors ain’t interested in me until Pa talks about his Foundation back in Georgia, then they seem to think I’m right suited to studying anything.
Bye y’all.
MouthoftheMississippi
The Easter Soccer fixtures have already started with Fox Sports showing the Liverpool Blues vs Fulham, a match-up that included 3 US players (Fulham’s defenseman Carlo Bocablanco and centre-offense Bobby McBride and Everton’s goalminder Frankie Howard).
Pretty soon, Fulham (this is the franchise owned by Princess Di’s father Al Fired who also owns the London branch of Bloomingdales) were a point up thru our very own Bocablanco, but Liverpool Blues fought right back with three quick points from Lee Crassly (he’s the referee’s twin brother, which seems a bit strange), Alan Stabbs and new young star offenseman Frankie Vaughan. How the famous Anfield Kop (so called because there’s always police officers in the crowd to stop them standing up and singing Beatles songs) saluted that point.
Pa insisted that we channel surf to PBS who were showing Tiger Woods in the US Masters (from our home State of Texas!), but I can tell you that Liverpool Blues notched another field goal to run out winners by 4 points to 1.
Tomorrow we’re off on the railroad to visit Edinboro, the capital city of Ireland where I am told every soccer fan supports the Texas Rangers or the Boston Celtics depending on whether they are Mormons or the other one.
I still don’t know whether to go to College here or back in the States. The admissions tutors ain’t interested in me until Pa talks about his Foundation back in Georgia, then they seem to think I’m right suited to studying anything.
Bye y’all.
MouthoftheMississippi
Thursday 5 April 2007
Latest ECL news!
Yo!
Howdy again from London England.
More match-ups in the Inter-State ECL on Wednesday saw two London franchises (I know they're from London because you see so many Londoners wearing the replica uniforms) play two latino teams Roma and Valencia.
Tampa Bay's subsidiary, Manchester Reds, were up against Roma (who play somehere in Italy I think). The match-up finished 2-1, so that's Tampa out. Tampa's quarterback Phil Schools saw two yellow flags on the play and fouled out, but Roney and Roonaldo ran for yardage and nearly did it, but only managed the one field goal to Roma's two. Sis Britney kept talking about the Roma Skip Totti like he was Justin Timberlake or something, which is real funny because Totti is slang here for a really hot guy. The half-time show was some kind of re-enactment of Robocop and the special effects were real good - this CGI is getting real cool.
Chelsea are named for Chelsea Clinton because their owner, Abraham Romanovich, was so grateful to Bill Clinton for ending the Cold War between England and Russia and giving all Russia's oil to him. Their match-up with Valencia finished 1 point all (yeah, that's like all, after, like 4 quarters) so we were all set for the shoot-out (which is the only thing Pa likes) when the players all went off to get ready for another match-up next week at the Valencia Stadium in Italy. If I had paid top dollar for a seat and not even found out whose ass was whupped, I'd want my Benjamins back. But the crowd stayed nice and quiet, as they had throughout the 100 minutes - kind of them to let the players hear the offensive coaches calling the plays.
I'll write some more about soccer after the Easter weekend match-ups which seem to last from Friday morning thru' Monday night. We're off to try to find a church in this Godless country for Good Friday then going to Edinboro for a day trip on Saturday.
And BB Wolfe can just shut the **** up, as Robin de Nero says in Taxi Rider.
Bye y'all.
MouthoftheMississippi
Howdy again from London England.
More match-ups in the Inter-State ECL on Wednesday saw two London franchises (I know they're from London because you see so many Londoners wearing the replica uniforms) play two latino teams Roma and Valencia.
Tampa Bay's subsidiary, Manchester Reds, were up against Roma (who play somehere in Italy I think). The match-up finished 2-1, so that's Tampa out. Tampa's quarterback Phil Schools saw two yellow flags on the play and fouled out, but Roney and Roonaldo ran for yardage and nearly did it, but only managed the one field goal to Roma's two. Sis Britney kept talking about the Roma Skip Totti like he was Justin Timberlake or something, which is real funny because Totti is slang here for a really hot guy. The half-time show was some kind of re-enactment of Robocop and the special effects were real good - this CGI is getting real cool.
Chelsea are named for Chelsea Clinton because their owner, Abraham Romanovich, was so grateful to Bill Clinton for ending the Cold War between England and Russia and giving all Russia's oil to him. Their match-up with Valencia finished 1 point all (yeah, that's like all, after, like 4 quarters) so we were all set for the shoot-out (which is the only thing Pa likes) when the players all went off to get ready for another match-up next week at the Valencia Stadium in Italy. If I had paid top dollar for a seat and not even found out whose ass was whupped, I'd want my Benjamins back. But the crowd stayed nice and quiet, as they had throughout the 100 minutes - kind of them to let the players hear the offensive coaches calling the plays.
I'll write some more about soccer after the Easter weekend match-ups which seem to last from Friday morning thru' Monday night. We're off to try to find a church in this Godless country for Good Friday then going to Edinboro for a day trip on Saturday.
And BB Wolfe can just shut the **** up, as Robin de Nero says in Taxi Rider.
Bye y'all.
MouthoftheMississippi
Wednesday 4 April 2007
Texas franchise take 3 points off of Germans
Yo!
The Texas Rangers Euro-Franchise (called Liverpool Reds over here) have three-zipped the Phillips Soccer Valiants of Eindhoven (that's in Germany I think). The Liverpool Reds had the good sense to play an NBA player who slam dunked in the last point. All the Liverpool Reds fans are happy and not even setting fire to the stadium or anything but the round-by-round summarisers are saying that it's not over and they have to play again next week. It must be like their version of baseball with match-ups lasting 5 days and the World Series lasting about three months (that's being played now in Cuba and Puerto Rico).
David Beckham wasn't at home and neither were the Spice Girls. Tony Blair seems to be a hostage in Iran or Iraq or something and I haven't met James Bond yet.
MouthoftheMississippi
The Texas Rangers Euro-Franchise (called Liverpool Reds over here) have three-zipped the Phillips Soccer Valiants of Eindhoven (that's in Germany I think). The Liverpool Reds had the good sense to play an NBA player who slam dunked in the last point. All the Liverpool Reds fans are happy and not even setting fire to the stadium or anything but the round-by-round summarisers are saying that it's not over and they have to play again next week. It must be like their version of baseball with match-ups lasting 5 days and the World Series lasting about three months (that's being played now in Cuba and Puerto Rico).
David Beckham wasn't at home and neither were the Spice Girls. Tony Blair seems to be a hostage in Iran or Iraq or something and I haven't met James Bond yet.
MouthoftheMississippi
Tuesday 3 April 2007
Message from Briton
Yo!
I'm like writing from the Briton like right now and I can't belieeeeve how much you guys lurvve that soccer game. You pay like serious bucks to watch the match-ups on the teevee and there's no fighting and hardly any like points scored and some match-ups end up in a draw like that one last night between Randy Lerner's franchise The Villians and Liverpool Blues. Who kicked whose butt in that one then?
Tonight and tomorrow there's inter-state match-ups between the finest franchises in the ECL so I'm looking forward to seeing a lot of points like 87-85 in the NBA or something real lame like 27-24 in the NFL or something real real lame like 11-7 in the MLB. Some of the ECL's greatest stars on playing this week - Totti, Gerrard, Maldini, Henry, Pele, the Ronaldo brothers, Rooney - but it's hard to get to know them because some like Rooney and Gerrard hardly speak any English.
Gotta go now as me, Ma, Pops and sis Britney are off to see Buckingham Castle (that's where David Beckham and the Spice Girls live) and President Blair's house Big Ben.
Bye Y'all.
MouthoftheMississippi
I'm like writing from the Briton like right now and I can't belieeeeve how much you guys lurvve that soccer game. You pay like serious bucks to watch the match-ups on the teevee and there's no fighting and hardly any like points scored and some match-ups end up in a draw like that one last night between Randy Lerner's franchise The Villians and Liverpool Blues. Who kicked whose butt in that one then?
Tonight and tomorrow there's inter-state match-ups between the finest franchises in the ECL so I'm looking forward to seeing a lot of points like 87-85 in the NBA or something real lame like 27-24 in the NFL or something real real lame like 11-7 in the MLB. Some of the ECL's greatest stars on playing this week - Totti, Gerrard, Maldini, Henry, Pele, the Ronaldo brothers, Rooney - but it's hard to get to know them because some like Rooney and Gerrard hardly speak any English.
Gotta go now as me, Ma, Pops and sis Britney are off to see Buckingham Castle (that's where David Beckham and the Spice Girls live) and President Blair's house Big Ben.
Bye Y'all.
MouthoftheMississippi
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